Adios ovaries

I didn't realize it had been over a month since my last post.  We celebrated Belle and Aaron's birthdays, work's been busy and life's been busy.  I even got my first haircut since I lost my hair!  And as I'm trying to write this on a Saturday morning, I'm reminded that it's very difficult to write a blog post with a 4- and an almost 2-year old bombarding you with questions and requests.  So if parts of this post don't make sense, as usual, I'll blame my children.

This Tuesday I'm getting my ovaries removed.  Because of my BRCA2 status, this is a preventive measure.  Despite my earlier scare, there's nothing wrong.  A few people have asked me how I feel about this.  I can't say I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on it.  The decision to have more children (or not) was really taken away from us back in April when we met with the fertility doctor the day after I got my diagnosis.  (Note: I thought I'd written about this in a past post but I couldn't find it.  So I'll write about it now.  Or again.)  Anyway, we'd spent an exhausting day in Boston meeting with my surgeon and my oncologist and then getting a second opinion at Dana Farber.  Then we had a last minute appointment with a fertility doctor.

We were so worn out by the time we got to the fertility doctor.  The fertility doc started running through our options and after a few minutes I tuned him out.  It was so overwhelming in terms of the process of harvesting the eggs, the price to store the eggs and the low chances that the eggs would even be "fresh enough" (my words, not his) to fertilize given how old my eggs were (his words, not mine).  Did I want to have more kids?  Call me crazy but yeah, I sort of did.  I was exhausted with the two that I had, but I loved the idea of more.  I hated pregnancy but I loved being a mom.  So for me it was worth it for me to suck up another few years of exhaustion.  Of course, there was the minor issue of whether we could actually afford another child.  My point is I wasn't sure it was going to happen, but it was nice to have the option.

Anyway, I tuned him out because it was too much.  I was still reeling from my diagnosis and I just couldn't process what he was telling us.  I didn't want kids enough to go through everything that he was describing, especially if the chances of successfully getting pregnant weren't that great.  And then when we got home my new oncologist called me in a panic and said that there was no way she was going to let me off Tamoxifen to have another baby.


If in a few years we want more kids, we could adopt.  That being said, I've heard that the adoption process can be stressful and I'm a little worn out on stressful processes right now.  Another disadvantage is I don't think adopting is cheap. Sometimes I get crazy ideas that maybe we could be foster parents one day. The latter usually happens when I see the Heart Gallery at Jordan's Furniture.

So there you go.  A long answer to the question of how I feel about my surgery.  I'm not psyched to be post-menopausal before 40, but it's worth it for the peace of mind that I won't develop ovarian cancer.  I'm sad that the option for more children was taken away from me, but oh well.  I have two healthy little girls that wear me out every day and I'm thankful for them. 

Halfway through radiation

Earlier this week I reached the halfway point through radiation.  While it can feel tedious, it's gone by more quickly than I thought it would.  I think I've even befriended all of the staff that insisted on calling me Rachelle at the radiation office.  Well, the machine technicians at least.  Still not so sure about some of the nurses.  Three more weeks to go and I'll be done with "active treatment".  The Tamoxifen has been uneventful, which is good.

I still have mixed feelings about getting my ovaries removed, but for now I'm back to focusing on treatment.  One thing at a time.  A few people have said to me, "That's it?  You have no other thoughts on radiation?"  No, not really.  Compared to everything else I've gone through this year, radiation truly is a cake walk (I hope I didn't just jinx myself).  Is it a pain in the butt?  Yes.  But besides feeling a little more tired than usual, there's not much to report.  Also, I'm not even sure my fatigue can be directly attributed to radiation.  I suspect it could also have to do with the fact that I'm able to push myself at workouts again, I'm trying to get my running back up, I work full-time and I have two little girls to take care of.  And I'm just worn out from the last eight months.

When I said I needed a vacation, I initially meant just Aaron and me.  But I think the girls could use a vacation too.  Well, maybe not Addie, because she seems the least affected by all of this.  But I'm sure she'd enjoy a vacation anyway.  As I was telling some friends last weekend, the last time we left the country was for our honeymoon.  I just want to leave the country.  It sounds nutty, but we're leaning towards Iceland.  In February (although maybe not for the girls).  Shockingly, you can get good deals to go to Iceland in February.  But I change my mind quite a bit, so we'll see.

As much as we need a break, we also just need to get back to true normalcy.  I think I'm acting more like my "old self", but Belle still knows that I'm going through treatment and I think that continues to cause some anxiety for her.  I think we need to get back to our regular lives for at least a little bit before we jet off anywhere.  So we'll see.