The drug post

Several months past I promised a philosophical discussion on all of the drugs I've been accumulating.  Well I don't know how philosophical this post is going to be, but for those that have been waiting, it's finally here.

The first chemo type I had made me really nauseous.  I was given anti-nausea drugs to help with the nausea, but they never really worked.  At least not to the degree I wanted them to.  If they're labeled "anti-nausea", that to me suggests they will get rid of the nausea.  They didn't.  Even speaking to my oncologist and chemo nurse, the intent seemed to be for me not to throw up.  The nausea was just something I had to ride out.

When I first got diagnosed, one of the first things my dad said to me was to get marijuana for the chemo side effects.  I had an aunt whose husband had cancer and he swore up and down that the only thing that helped with the chemo nausea was pot. Needless to say, to have my dad recommend drugs was a bit out of the ordinary, but I can't say I was that surprised.  Of course, then he joked about me getting stoned and the girls asking why I was acting so funny.

The pot helped, but the whole pot smoking thing was strange.  I'd usually smoke it in the bathroom in our basement.  Alone.  It felt pretty pathetic to smoke pot by myself in the downstairs bathroom.  There was only one time that I smoked with a friend and actually had a good time.   Most of the time I just smoked enough to help ease the nausea.  I guess it worked a little.

While I do love  my cocktails, overall I prefer the drugs that give me energy.  For my second chemo rounds I had drugs that gave me lots of energy.  I LOVED them.  But I couldn't take them for more than a day or two.  That's always reassuring, when you're told not to take drugs for more than a few days because of the potential side effects. 

So I guess that's the post.  In my head this post was longer, but I don't know what else to say. 

New beginnings

As I mentioned in my last post, a few weeks back I did a 5K with some friends.  Actually, now that I look at the calendar it was almost a month ago.  While the day didn't go quite as I had hoped it would, it was still a good day overall.  I was very pleased with my pace (7:42 miles) and the gesture of my friends getting together to celebrate the end of this hellish journey was great.

A few weeks ago I had my post-treatment check-up with my oncologist.  It was the first time I had been back at BI since the end of treatment on October 1.  I was unprepared for the anxiety that visiting the oncology department made me feel.  Obviously I don't have great memories of the place, but my feelings still surprised me.  As much as I like my oncologist and as much time as I'll be spending with her for the rest of my life (or until she retires, which will hopefully happen first), I still wish I had never met her.

We have finally rescheduled our California trip.  We had just booked our trip to California when I got my diagnosis.  It feels like a re-do in many ways.  We head out at the end of April.  I'm very much looking forward to it.  Aaron and I are also going away to Provincetown on MLK Jr. weekend.  No Iceland trip planned yet.  This is mainly my fault because work has been so busy and I haven't really had time to think about it.

As my hair continues to grow back, one of the nice things is I don't necessarily feel like I'm "the woman with cancer" anymore.  I've ran into old friends and met new people who compliment me on my hair without knowing about the last year (at least I'm pretty sure they didn't know) and it's so nice to just accept the compliment and move on.  Sometimes I've said something, but increasingly I don't say anything.  Well, I guess I say "thank you" for the compliment.  Also, people make eye contact with me again.  When I had my scarf, nobody would look at me in the aisles of Trader Joe's or in the hallway outside of work.  It was a very strange feeling to feel invisible but know that people were probably looking at me when I wasn't looking at them.

A lot of people have asked me if I'm going to keep my hair short.  I really have no idea.  I feel like it's in a very awkward phase right now.  I'm back to having to spend time on it in the morning.  It's not a bad problem to have, just something I haven't had to deal with for several months.


We had a good Christmas but words can't express how happy I was for New Years.  I actually started this post a week or two ago but never finished it.  As I read on what I've written in this post I can't help but think how boring my life has become.  Well, as boring as my life gets I suppose.  I love boring!

Nine months and three days later...

Sorry for the weird formatting.  It drives me crazy when Blogger doesn't format correctly...
 
I was diagnosed with cancer nine months and three days ago.  I had my last radiation treatment this morning.  I took the day off from work, but any big plans to celebrate have been postponed because Aaron’s grandmother passed away and her wake is tonight and her funeral is tomorrow.  I did get a manicure and I went for a long walk.  I also finished putting up our outside Christmas decorations.  I’ve had a productive day and I love productivity, so say overall it’s been a great day.

I’ve been very reflective today.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this past year and everything I’ve been through.  I’m relieved, tired, even kind of overwhelmed at everything that has happened.  I also feel more confident that I’m going to look back on this time as a blip in the road and I’m less scared of a re-occurrence.  I think I have to, because otherwise I’m just going to waste time worrying about things I don’t have control over.  I’m sure I’ll have my moments, but I’m feeling really good.  I think getting my energy back has made a huge difference.

I’m hoping that the next month will be a chance to celebrate with various friends that have been so amazingly supportive this year.  When I think back on the friends that I’ve made here in Massachusetts the last 11 years, the majority of them I met while working out.  For many years I had my boot camp friends and now that I live in Natick, I have my TBS friends.  On Sunday I’m doing a 5k with a bunch of my TBS friends in Cambridge.  They made shirts and everything!  I’m really looking forward to that, especially in the light of the sad news of the passing of Aaron’s Meme.  I had my first race since treatment started on Thanksgiving and I did much better than I thought I was going to.  Of course, I’m already pressuring myself to do better at this Sunday’s race.  I’ll let you know how it goes!

At this point I’m looking forward to, well, looking forward.  I’m going to enjoy the rest of the holiday season, but I’m really excited for New Year’s Eve.  I hope I can pay forward all of the kindness and generosity I’ve been touched with this year.  I have many amazing people in my life—I am a very lucky woman!

Homestretch

Written last week but never posted...at this point I only have two treatments left!  I'm still a little amazed that I'm as excited as I am.  I wasn't expected to be this excited.

This week I hit the single digits in the number of radiation treatments left.  Two weeks from today, barring no machine breakdowns or snow storms or a pause in treatment because my skin is too red, I will be done with radiation and "active treatment".

I didn't think I was going to be this excited, but at this point, I really am.  Of course, I'm doing a race with some friends on Sunday, December 8.  If my treatment gets pushed past that, that would kind of stink, since part of the point of the race is to celebrate being done with treatment.

So cross your fingers and toes! 

Cancer--you suck. A lot.

I went to high school with a woman named April.  At some point we found each other on FB.  I never really knew April that well.  We had a few classes together and we didn't always agree on things, but she was still really nice.  After we connected on FB, she was one of those friends that you'd see updates on, but wouldn't necessarily interact with.

She had a little boy shortly after I had Belle.  Not long after that, she was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare form of cancer.  She'd provide occasional updates on FB about treatment.  After being declared cancer-free at one point, her cancer returned.  I remember reading her posts and seeing all of the support that she received and thought, "wow, what a lucky woman to be surrounded by so many people that love her."  When I didn't see a post from her in awhile, I'd start to worry about her, but then she'd post an update and I'd know she was still around.  I was always relieved to see that.  I remember from her posts that she was getting treatment in Southern California for a while.   

After I was diagnosed, I thought of April.  I become more in awe of her as a woman and her commitment to surviving for her family and to see her little boy grow up.  I always wanted to write to her and tell her how much I admired her, but I never got around to it.  April passed away this week. 

April and I obviously have very different cancer stories, and I didn't know her that well even when I knew her 20 years ago, but I was so sad to hear that news.  It makes me so sad that she's going to miss out on seeing her little boy grow up, and he'll have to grow up without his Mommy.  He's only 3.5 years old.  And when I'm feeling morbid and wonder if I'm going to beat this, or if I'm going to find out in a few years that the cancer has metastasized, I immediately think the same thing about my girls.  I can't bear the idea of not seeing them grow up.  

There isn't a particular point to this post.  Mainly that it's so frustrating when cancer takes somebody, especially somebody so young.  Cancer--I've never liked you.  It's one thing to cause a lot of us a lot of pain, which we eventually recover from.  It's another to take an otherwise healthy young woman and take her from her family.

Halfway through radiation

Earlier this week I reached the halfway point through radiation.  While it can feel tedious, it's gone by more quickly than I thought it would.  I think I've even befriended all of the staff that insisted on calling me Rachelle at the radiation office.  Well, the machine technicians at least.  Still not so sure about some of the nurses.  Three more weeks to go and I'll be done with "active treatment".  The Tamoxifen has been uneventful, which is good.

I still have mixed feelings about getting my ovaries removed, but for now I'm back to focusing on treatment.  One thing at a time.  A few people have said to me, "That's it?  You have no other thoughts on radiation?"  No, not really.  Compared to everything else I've gone through this year, radiation truly is a cake walk (I hope I didn't just jinx myself).  Is it a pain in the butt?  Yes.  But besides feeling a little more tired than usual, there's not much to report.  Also, I'm not even sure my fatigue can be directly attributed to radiation.  I suspect it could also have to do with the fact that I'm able to push myself at workouts again, I'm trying to get my running back up, I work full-time and I have two little girls to take care of.  And I'm just worn out from the last eight months.

When I said I needed a vacation, I initially meant just Aaron and me.  But I think the girls could use a vacation too.  Well, maybe not Addie, because she seems the least affected by all of this.  But I'm sure she'd enjoy a vacation anyway.  As I was telling some friends last weekend, the last time we left the country was for our honeymoon.  I just want to leave the country.  It sounds nutty, but we're leaning towards Iceland.  In February (although maybe not for the girls).  Shockingly, you can get good deals to go to Iceland in February.  But I change my mind quite a bit, so we'll see.

As much as we need a break, we also just need to get back to true normalcy.  I think I'm acting more like my "old self", but Belle still knows that I'm going through treatment and I think that continues to cause some anxiety for her.  I think we need to get back to our regular lives for at least a little bit before we jet off anywhere.  So we'll see. 

Ode to my eyebrows: A series of haikus

While my hair is growing back, I noticed a few months ago that while I didn't completely lose my eyebrows, they're definitely thinner than they used to be.  For some reason, the right side is thinner than the left.  I'm not sure if it's better to have both thin equally or unevenly.  Anyway, I am hardly a poet, but I have always loved haikus.  Here are some haikus that I've written for my eyebrows:

Eyebrows I miss you
Your very sparseness haunts me
Grow fast, brows!  Grow fast!

Brow pencils are lame
Drawn on lines looking all fake
Make me look cray-cray

Eyebrows, where art thou?
Why have you forsaken me?
Eyebrows, please come back

Please...hold your applause and accolades.