It was nice to re-read my post from this time last year. I initially almost missed this anniversary--for some reason I thought it was December 2. I take that as a good sign, although I'm pretty sure it's still going to be awhile before I forget the anniversary of my diagnosis. So many anniversaries, so little time.
I still lurk on a breast cancer listserv that I joined during treatment. There have been two recent articles/discussions that have been of interest to me lately and seemed appropriate for this post on the first post-treatment year. One was on self-blame and cancer and the other was the pressure to move on after treatment.
Self-blame and cancer
Perhaps because of my BRCA2 status, I've never done a lot of reflection on what I could have done differently to prevent my cancer diagnosis. It just didn't seem like a worthwhile activity because I don't have a time travel machine to go back in time anyway (if you have a time travel machine and would like to share, please let me know). The only thing I probably could have done differently was have a preventive mastectomy. But I probably would have only done that if I had said time machine. The thing that I worry about the most is that my worrying about my cancer coming back will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I try to avoid that, but that can be easier said than done.
Post-treatment support
If anything, the things that I still struggle with the most are the things that were taken away from me as a result of my BRCA2 status and diagnosis. Even if I hadn't had my ovaries removed, I wouldn't be allowed to carry any of my own children because I'd be on Tamoxifen. Yes, I'm very blessed with my two little girls and they are more than a handful, and I'm not even sure we would have actually had more children, but the point is the choice was taken away from me. The removal of my ovaries made me post-menopausal in an instant. This has its own joys.
The end of treatment was anti-climatic. I got a nice little goodie bag from the radiation office and sort of got pushed back into "regular life". Part of me welcomed this transition back to "regular life" with open arms. But I also remember thinking "now what?"
There is definitely a lack of resources for post-cancer treatment (at least in breast cancer). Or these resources aren't directed at people that work during the day as they seem to happen in the middle of the day. And I live in a part of the country where I had the luxury of choosing from a handful of great places for treatment. I can't imagine what it's like for people who live in areas with limited treatment options, let alone post-treatment resources. I can understand why many women stay on listservs such as the one I've stayed connected to just to be part of a group that understands all of the above. Which isn't to say that I couldn't talk to any friends about this, but I think a lot of people don't know what to say. Which is perfectly fine, because I wouldn't know what to say either.
Other things
I get a lot more upset now when I hear of people dying from this horrible disease. When Diem Brown passed away, it hung over me for a few weeks. (I'll save my rant on the language around "losing her battle". I HATE that saying.) I also get sad and frustrated when I hear about a friend's friend/family member dying.
I miss the people that I connected with during treatment. I see many of these people still but not all of them. What I do like is still seeing these people and not having the whole cancer thing hang over the conversation. There are people I've met since treatment that have no idea I had cancer until I tell them (or maybe they do but I don't know they know). It's a nice feeling to not be that person anymore.
I'm not sure this post makes a lot of sense. It's taking more concentration than I have right now. The aforementioned children are alternating between having fun, complaining about being hungry and making a mess so they keep taking away my focus (how DARE they!).
So let's raise a glass to...whatever. When I was looking for a picture of a glass of champagne, I found this little gem:
