Chemo: The Sequel (a title that doesn't quite capture the jist of the post)

This past Monday I started the latest round of chemo.  It's a different type of chemo, so the side effects weren't supposed to be as bad as the initial round.  And all in all, I will (tentatively) say that this round has not been as bad thus far.  The biggest complaints are fatigue and muscle pain.  Monday was probably the absolute worst day because they gave me so much Benadryl to counteract any potential allergic reaction I might have to the chemo.  As with the same time, the schedule is four treatments over eight weeks. Cross your fingers (and toes!) that I don't get a cold this fall to set me off schedule again.

I wrote the above paragraph earlier this week and it's sort of funny that all I have to say about it is one paragraph.  But there really isn't much else to say.  I'm starting to bore myself (and you?) with my updates.  This just feels like my life now. 

Even if I don't post as often as I'd like to anymore, I think quite a bit about what to write.  Lately most of the ideas just float around in my head because the reality is, for better or worse, this is just one facet of my life--I'm still working full-time, I have two little girls, and any free time is spent with some combination of Aaron, the girls, and friends.  This really isn't any different from my pre-cancer (PC) life.  On weekdays, the goal is to get the girls into bed at a reasonable hour so Aaron and I have some time to just relax and decompress from the day.  Since I spend a good chunk of my day in front of a computer, I don't have a lot of energy to spend more time in front of one when I get home.  And the weekends don't tend to present many opportunities for writing either.  But then eventually, the thoughts are swarming all around and I just have to get my thoughts down.  Which is why I'm typing this at midnight on a Sunday (I guess technically Monday now) when I should be sleeping.  Tomorrow morning's going to be ugly.

I can't recall if I've mentioned this previously, but back when I was working with my treatment team to decide the schedule, they ("they" being the treatment team) were trying to decide where I'd get radiation done.  Aaron's depressed Russian barber strongly recommended a women in Framingham.  Framingham's close to Natick, that would work out well.  Coincidentally, the BI team mentioned her as a great radiation oncologist.  Unfortunately, a BI radiation oncologist had already insisted on working with me, which meant I was going to have to go into Boston every day for six to seven weeks.  For a 10-15 minute visit.  Are you kidding me?  As a result, I'd been dreading radiation just about as much as any other aspect of my treatment.

Well, at my post-surgery follow-up, I was told that it was fine if I went to the Framingham radiation place after all.  I don't know what happened, but I've never been so happy for a doctor to lose interest in me. Especially one that specializes in cancer.  So that was some good news. 

I've had two moments these past few weeks that have really struck me.  The first one was at this radiation oncologist's office.  We were in one of her rooms and on the back of the door was one of those laminated wall calendars that showed all 12 months.  I saw January, February, and March.  March was the last month where I was blissfully unaware of what I was about to go through.  I looked at the rest of the months laid out before me on the wall and and realized, "Wow, this year really is going to be consumed by cancer."  From April on it's been cancer cancer cancer.  And it will be that until early December at the earliest.  That's 9 months.  Holy crap, no wonder this has felt endless.

As a result, I've never been so happy for summer to almost be over because it means I'm that much closer to being done.  Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving--they can't come (and go) quickly enough.

The other moment came at the eye doctor (funny, eye doctor and dentist appointments still come up no matter what your health status is).  Quick aside--I went to this appointment last Wednesday--two days after chemo started up again.  Aside from Monday, the worst day was Wednesday.  I was so tired and achy, I had nothing in me to interact with people.  I'd gone into work in the hopes of it waking me up.  It didn't.  I think I just came off as out of it and incoherent, which I was.

At my annual eye check-up the doctor said to me, "So last time you were nursing."   I stared at her blankly.  I was in nursing?  I was a nursing student?  God help us all--no way does the world need me as a nurse.  Ohhhh....I was nursing!  Yes, I WAS nursing!  A baby!  Phew.  And then I thought, "Holy shit, yes, at my last visit in July 2012 I had a 5 month old and I was still nursing."  I wish she'd just said breastfeeding, but it felt like a lifetime ago.  And at next year's appointment, I'll actually be on the other side. I might be recovering from reconstruction surgery, but that's it.  Needless to say, I can't wait for next year's eye appointment.

There are other things I've been thinking about lately, but they'll have to wait for future blog posts (forgive the lack of parallelism.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, never mind):

1. A philosophical discussion on all of the drugs I've been accumulating (prescription and herbal) and a reminder of why I never was a pothead.
2. Why I can't get past being angry at certain people but also why I haven't reached out for more help.
3. I'm starting to realize why so many women that go through this pay it forward
4. Why I hope that as a result of this I'll be a lot less self-absorbed and also be able to pay it forward
5. Why it's not necessarily fair to be mad at the people mentioned in #2.

Stay tuned!  I used to start these at chemo, but I have a hard time typing on my Kindle, especially once I get hooked up to the IV.  Which is unfortunate because until I get hit with the Benadryl, I'm on some pretty good uppers that give me great energy.  Perhaps the title of the one where I discuss people in #2 should be something like, "Channeling Taylor Swift." 

An overdue thank you for all of the support

One of the upsides (and I'm not sure there are many) to this whole experience has been the overwhelming support we've gotten these last few months.  As the next round of chemo approaches, I wanted to take this opportunity to say a long overdue "thank you" for all of the support we've gotten these last few months.  Not a week goes by that I don't get a card, flowers, email, FB message, phone call or text from somebody letting me know that they're thinking of me.  It is very, very much appreciated.

And the presents!  I could go on and on about the presents.  I've gotten a painting that somebody did herself (and it was really good!), turbans (and really cool brooches!), care packages with books and really thoughtful notes, scarves, gift cards to all sorts of things and more spa certificates to Bella Sante than I know what to do with (I'm getting better about making the time to go--this is a very good problem to have).  Oh, and people buy me lunch a lot.  Plus tons of stuff for my girls too.  And even more amazing, some of these presents have been from friends of my parents--people I don't even know. 

Every time I've gone to chemo I've gotten an awesome care package from my co-workers.  This past one had 3 bottles of wine and a bottle of beer from a favorite brewer of wine.  3 bottles of wine!!!!  And beer!!  I am so blessed to work with such great people.

And all of the meals and rides I've gotten have been so very, very helpful. 

Any time I get sad about people that I thought would be there for us but haven't (and there haven't been many, but there are some), I remind myself about all of the people that HAVE been there for us.  What's even more humbling is that many of these people I didn't know very well before I got my diagnosis.  I am truly, truly amazed by how great people have been.  I don't know what I did to deserve all this but we are very, very thankful. 

Thank you so much for sticking with me.  Chemo starts up again on Monday.  It's not supposed to be as bad as the last round. I'm nervous but not anxious per se.  I just dread having this poison going through my body.  I know it's intention is good, but it still sucks.  If all goes according to schedule, I'll be done on October 1 with chemo.  Then I start radiation around October 21.  In early December I should be done--sort of (more of that in a sec).  It still feels like a long road, but I do think that the worst is behind me.  Now if only my hair would start growing back...

From there I still have a few more things to deal with--10+ years of estrogen blocking therapy, getting my ovaries removed (early menopause!  Whee!) and reconstructive surgery for my new boobs.    

I'm not a big gusher and I don't know what I've done to have people be so supportive, but again, I'm very, very appreciative and continue to be overwhelmed.  I certainly owe so many people individual thank you cards and unfortunately I doubt I'll achieve that any time soon, so please know there aren't enough words to say how grateful I am to everybody.  Thank you so much!!!!

It's that time again...

...time to volunteer for stuff!  Like meals!  And rides!  Here's the link.


Thanks in advance!