The hits just keep on coming

As I mentioned in passing, I had my lymph node biopsy surgery on Friday, April 19.  The day before I headed down to BI to become radioactive.  I was a little disappointed that my pee didn't turn blue.  Somebody else I knew found the radioactive shots to be quite painful and she was peeing blue for days.  But no blue pee on my end.

Anyway, we didn't need to get to BI until 9:30 Friday morning.  However, I was a bundle of nerves and we got the girls to daycare early and were down at BI by 8:15.  I wasn't allowed to eat and was starving, so that didn't help my anxiety level.  Shortly after we got there, BI went into lockdown mode from the manhunt that was going on for the 2nd Marathon Bombing suspect.  I finally got into the surgery prep area.  I don't know how many times I was asked the following:

1. Why are you here today?
2. Are you allergic to any meds?
3. What is your date of birth?
4. Has somebody written on the side that we're doing the surgery?

I'm sure they were more questions, those are the ones that I remember.  It was overwhelming to meet so many people--anesthesiologists, residents, nurses, the list went on and on.  Needless to say, this was a very different experience from the other two times when I was in the hospital to have my little girls. 

Finally one of the anesthesiologists gave me something for my anxiety.  I don't know what it was but I sure wish they'd given it to me when I had first gotten there.  That made everything better.  Shortly after they wheeled me into the operating room.  The anesthesiologist said, "here we go....", I was breathing into a mask and the next thing I knew I was in recovery.  Bizarre.

Move to today (Tuesday, April 23).  I knew today was going to be the day that they expected me to get the results of the biopsy.  I don't think there's really any way to prepare yourself for that.  I was a wreck most of the day and finally my oncologist called me to give me the news: the cancer had spread to 3 of the 10 lymph nodes they'd taken out.  There wasn't a lot of cancer, but it meant I was going to have to get radiation in addition to the 2 rounds of chemo and the surgery.  Son of a bitch.  Not what I was hoping to hear.  And of course I was at work.  Because that's what I do--go to work.  And workout (not at work, that's usually pre-work). My student loan and daycare bills aren't going to pay themselves, after all.

I hate crying at work.  I'd already had a meeting earlier that day with my boss and other people that I worked closely with to talk about my chemo schedule.  As hard as I tried not to cry, I still cried.  Have I mentioned that I hate crying at work? 

Some co-workers saw me getting the news about the lymph nodes and were there with hugs and reassurances.  They were worried about me driving home, but I drove home.  Just another day on the rollercoaster. 

People have said I have a great attitude and I sound very upbeat, but I think part of that is I want to appear upbeat to people.  I don't feel upbeat all the time.  I'm very scared.  I'm dreading chemo, surgery, and radiation.  And I know I'll get through it, but right now it feels like this very tall, cold mountain that I have to climb.  I appreciate the cheerleaders but I definitely feel like I'm laughing less these days, and that in and of itself makes me sad.

Did I mention that some of these entries were going to be kind of a bummer?  What can I say, at the very least I haven't lost the ability to speak my mind.  In hindsight, this was a bit of a "stream of consciousness" entry.  I think there are going to be a lot of those.

Tomorrow: Prepping for the clinical trial!