The hair loss post (plus other ramblings)

Quick update: As many of you know, I had pneumonia a few weeks ago.  I was supposed to have my third chemo treatment on Monday, June 10 but my levels (things like white blood count) were borderline and because I was sick the previous week, they were worried that I hadn't fully recovered, so chemo was postponed to this Monday, and my last treatment, scheduled for June 25, was moved to July 1.  To say that I was bummed out about this is an understatement.  For now, I'm enjoying not feeling like crap and enjoying eating as much as I can, although I find I still don't have much of an appetite. I just don't really get that hungry these days.  It is a nice feeling to occasionally feel hungry.  I miss that feeling.

So.  The hair.  It started falling out on May 29 right on target (16 days from the first treatment).  It wasn't falling out quickly, but there were clumps and I had Aaron shave it the next morning.  It took much longer to shave off than I would have thought.  He said I look very Sigourney Weaver-ish in Aliens 3. That made me feel better because she's pretty bad ass.

At first I was relieved that it was over.  Now for the most part I wear scarves.  I've worn my wig a few times.  I get more used to the wig the more I wear it, but I'm always worrying that it's crooked and it's too distracting for me, so most days I wear the scarves.  The wig's also hot, so apparently I should have timed this whole cancer thing for the winter.  The scarves at easy, but they're like a huge beacon that screams, I HAVE CANCER EVERYBODY.  I find that I don't make eye contact with strangers (and acquaintances now that I think about it) anymore because I don't want to feel them sneaking a look at me.  At home I wear nothing and it's the most comfortable.  Sometimes I forget that I'm not wearing anything and I've left the house bald.  Then I usually run back in and I get sort of mad at myself for feeling so self-conscious. At treatment I don't care how I look because I'm with my "people".

It's taken me a while to write this particular post because I've been hemming and hawing about posting pictures--me without my hair, me with my wig, one of all my scarves.  Bottom line, I either can't be bothered to take the picture or I hate the pictures that have been taken.  At some point I might update with pictures, but in the meantime, use your imagination.

The other thing that's sort of weird is the hair that I still have is growing.  I've definitely lost a good amount of hair, but I don't look like a cue ball.  I wasn't expecting that.  I thought it would all fall out.  I don't regret shaving it off because it wouldn't look good and the constant hair loss would be too stressful, but I sort of feel in limbo right now.  Should I trim it (I think the wig and the scarves are more comfortable with less hair) or should I just let it start growing again?  I'm leaning toward the former.  A few centimeters of growth will come back pretty quickly. 

At this point all I know is that July 1 can't come quickly enough.  Two weeks and a few days.  Technically I still have to get through that week too, but once the treatment is over, then I can celebrate that.  And then by July 5th or so I'll hopefully be feeling pretty back to normal.

There's still so much left, and I'm sure much of July will be spent dreading my surgery and enjoying my last days with my boobs.  I already dread the surgery but I push it out of my mind most of the time because for now I can only focus on the chemo treatment.  One thing at a time.  The next chemo round is supposed to be much more tolerable, so that expectation has already been set.  And the radiation at this point feels like it will be a cakewalk. 

This whole experience continues to feel so lonely.  The support we've gotten from everybody has been amazing, but this is still a solitary journey.  Aaron takes the brunt of my tears and has been beyond awesome.  I honestly don't know what I would do without him but I know this is very hard for him too.  If there is something positive to take from this experience, it's been meeting all of the women who are either going through treatment or are survivors.  Many of the survivors have a very strong feeling of wanting to "pay it forward" and offer their support to other women that are currently going through treatment.  I can see feeling that way too at some point and I look forward to that day.