For some reason it feels like it's been a long time since I last posted, but I guess it hasn't been that long. My interaction with the Race Director went nowhere. His response to my post discussed how he's a cancer survivor and all the great things he does to support the cause. Good for you. And clearly, I should have put "deferring the race" higher on the priority list. Thanks, I'll remember for that for next time. He ended up deleting our FB interaction. For everybody that sent indignant letters, emails, to him and the race sponsors--thank you very much.
My hair is gone. There will be a separate blog on that, but I've been stalling a bit. I know I don't need to post pictures, but I sort of want to. And yet I don't. So I'm thinking too much about that part. It isn't so much the baldness I don't want to show, I just generally hate myself in all pictures and lately I just feel like I've aged 10 years in the last two months. Again, I'll write more on that. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
So, the second chemo treatment is done. I've heard that some people feel a let down at the end of treatment round, even chemo treatment. I can potentially see this at the very end of the final treatment (which will be radiation for me, but it's not really the end because then I have my Tamoxifen years ahead of me), but I can't possibly imagine being sad about the end of this round of chemo. I hate it. The actual chemo day is pretty uneventful. I mainly hang out by myself--my friends at work have put together some awesome chemo bags with magazines and goodies, so that passes the time away. It's the days after that suck suck suck.
My latest treatment was the day after Memorial Day, so my recovery has felt a day delayed since last time. My oncologist tweaked my anti-nausea meds and on Wednesday I actually felt pretty good. Great, even. I felt so good that I ended up overextending myself and ended up passing out from exhaustion at around 8. Then Thursday came and it was like it was the first round all over again. It didn't help that I have this cough that I can't shake (more on that in a sec).
What's bad about it is hard to articulate. I'm not lying in the bathroom in a fetal position, I just feel unhealthy and blah. I have no appetite (which is unusual for me), and I'm nauseous and those two sort of become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I force myself to eat but I can't taste anything. During the chemo weeks I have a metallic taste in my mouth all the time (although that fades a little in the "off chemo week"). And now the back of my mouth feels like it's been burnt, which makes food even less enjoyable. It has since been confirmed that I was developing mouth sores, which is a possible chemo side effect.
Even as I entered a chemo-free week, I wasn't feeling much better. I worked out Monday morning because I felt well enough, but it didn't go well. I couldn't finish the class Monday morning because I felt like I was going to throw up. It was like I had heat exhaustion. I am not good at being weak and tired. And after continuing to feel like crap on Monday night, I finally caved and called my oncologist. She scolded me over email and had me come down to BI this morning. It turns out I have pneumonia. No wonder I wasn't feeling good. Even though they attributed the nausea from the past two days to the pneumonia rather than the chemo, they still kept me around and gave me some anti-nausea via IV. So that's how I spent this afternoon. Honestly, just having a diagnosis and a confirmation that I wasn't just being weak was very reassuring. And yet I'm disappointed that I'll probably barely recover from the pneumonia before I get to feel crappy again next week for my 3rd treatment.
Even last week the idea of having to go through
two more treatments felt very daunting. I can see why people skip their treatments. And then I keep trying to tell myself I'm halfway
over with this part of the treatment--there's only two more. And then I
have a month off to celebrate life (and my birthday!) until the next milestone--the
mastectomy. Which I can't think about right now. Many cancer survivors you just have to take it one day or even an hour at a time and I know what they mean.
Last week in particular felt very dark. Every time people tell me how great I look or how upbeat I seem, I'm surprised. I realize I'm perkier than most, so even if I'm low on the perky level, I'm still perkier than a lot of people. I think I unintentionally save a lot of my angst and sadness for when the girls go to bed. During the day I was pretty good at compartmentalizing and I could hold myself together, but once the girls were in bed, I would just lose it over this goddamn chemo and what it's doing to me. I think some of this last week was attributed to the hair loss. But again, more about that in a subsequent blog.
Well, another upbeat post! Until next time...
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