Cancer--you suck. A lot.

I went to high school with a woman named April.  At some point we found each other on FB.  I never really knew April that well.  We had a few classes together and we didn't always agree on things, but she was still really nice.  After we connected on FB, she was one of those friends that you'd see updates on, but wouldn't necessarily interact with.

She had a little boy shortly after I had Belle.  Not long after that, she was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare form of cancer.  She'd provide occasional updates on FB about treatment.  After being declared cancer-free at one point, her cancer returned.  I remember reading her posts and seeing all of the support that she received and thought, "wow, what a lucky woman to be surrounded by so many people that love her."  When I didn't see a post from her in awhile, I'd start to worry about her, but then she'd post an update and I'd know she was still around.  I was always relieved to see that.  I remember from her posts that she was getting treatment in Southern California for a while.   

After I was diagnosed, I thought of April.  I become more in awe of her as a woman and her commitment to surviving for her family and to see her little boy grow up.  I always wanted to write to her and tell her how much I admired her, but I never got around to it.  April passed away this week. 

April and I obviously have very different cancer stories, and I didn't know her that well even when I knew her 20 years ago, but I was so sad to hear that news.  It makes me so sad that she's going to miss out on seeing her little boy grow up, and he'll have to grow up without his Mommy.  He's only 3.5 years old.  And when I'm feeling morbid and wonder if I'm going to beat this, or if I'm going to find out in a few years that the cancer has metastasized, I immediately think the same thing about my girls.  I can't bear the idea of not seeing them grow up.  

There isn't a particular point to this post.  Mainly that it's so frustrating when cancer takes somebody, especially somebody so young.  Cancer--I've never liked you.  It's one thing to cause a lot of us a lot of pain, which we eventually recover from.  It's another to take an otherwise healthy young woman and take her from her family.

Halfway through radiation

Earlier this week I reached the halfway point through radiation.  While it can feel tedious, it's gone by more quickly than I thought it would.  I think I've even befriended all of the staff that insisted on calling me Rachelle at the radiation office.  Well, the machine technicians at least.  Still not so sure about some of the nurses.  Three more weeks to go and I'll be done with "active treatment".  The Tamoxifen has been uneventful, which is good.

I still have mixed feelings about getting my ovaries removed, but for now I'm back to focusing on treatment.  One thing at a time.  A few people have said to me, "That's it?  You have no other thoughts on radiation?"  No, not really.  Compared to everything else I've gone through this year, radiation truly is a cake walk (I hope I didn't just jinx myself).  Is it a pain in the butt?  Yes.  But besides feeling a little more tired than usual, there's not much to report.  Also, I'm not even sure my fatigue can be directly attributed to radiation.  I suspect it could also have to do with the fact that I'm able to push myself at workouts again, I'm trying to get my running back up, I work full-time and I have two little girls to take care of.  And I'm just worn out from the last eight months.

When I said I needed a vacation, I initially meant just Aaron and me.  But I think the girls could use a vacation too.  Well, maybe not Addie, because she seems the least affected by all of this.  But I'm sure she'd enjoy a vacation anyway.  As I was telling some friends last weekend, the last time we left the country was for our honeymoon.  I just want to leave the country.  It sounds nutty, but we're leaning towards Iceland.  In February (although maybe not for the girls).  Shockingly, you can get good deals to go to Iceland in February.  But I change my mind quite a bit, so we'll see.

As much as we need a break, we also just need to get back to true normalcy.  I think I'm acting more like my "old self", but Belle still knows that I'm going through treatment and I think that continues to cause some anxiety for her.  I think we need to get back to our regular lives for at least a little bit before we jet off anywhere.  So we'll see. 

Ode to my eyebrows: A series of haikus

While my hair is growing back, I noticed a few months ago that while I didn't completely lose my eyebrows, they're definitely thinner than they used to be.  For some reason, the right side is thinner than the left.  I'm not sure if it's better to have both thin equally or unevenly.  Anyway, I am hardly a poet, but I have always loved haikus.  Here are some haikus that I've written for my eyebrows:

Eyebrows I miss you
Your very sparseness haunts me
Grow fast, brows!  Grow fast!

Brow pencils are lame
Drawn on lines looking all fake
Make me look cray-cray

Eyebrows, where art thou?
Why have you forsaken me?
Eyebrows, please come back

Please...hold your applause and accolades.