Advice for the newly diagnosed

The other day I got a call from a friend:  Her 36 YO niece had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.  To make matters worse, she's 6 months pregnant with her second child.  I offered my phone number and whatever assistance I could provide.  It kind of got me thinking of what advice I'd give to my friend's niece or anybody else that has been recently diagnosed.  So here goes:

1. First of all, you're going to get through it.  It's not going to be easy, but you will.  You have a difficult road ahead of you.  But YOU CAN DO THIS.  Before you know it, this will be a bad, distant memory.  One that will shape and influence you for years to come.
2. Learn to ask for help.  This was a tough one for me, but it made a huge difference.  Sites like Helping Hands are amazing.  We were never in need of a ride, meal, or a favor.
3. You'll be amazed by the generosity of people.  People will want to help.  People that you hardly knew prior to going through this. On the other hand, there are going to be people that you thought would be there for you that won't.  Not everybody knows how to deal with your diagnosis.  Feel free to cut these people from your life.  If there's any time to reassess your life and priorities and who you want to spend your time with, it's now.  People will show their true colors.
4. You are your own best advocate.  Find the oncologist and medical center that's right for you.  I've known people that went to Dana Farber and loved it.  I've also known people (including myself) that didn't choose Dana Farber because everybody there has cancer.  For some, the idea of going to a center where everybody is there for the same reason creates solidarity.  For others, it can be depressing.  I preferred to go somewhere (like Beth Israel) where people were at the hospital for all sorts of reasons.  It's up to you.  Also, if you're surgeon is pressuring you to do something, seek out another surgeon.  I was pressured to get a double mastectomy and it wasn't until I broke down in my oncologist's office that she said I didn't have to get the double right away. 
5. Your kids aren't going to care that you have cancer.  This is a blessing and a curse, especially if your kids are little, like mine are.  There are going to be days that you don't want to get out of bed, but if you have kids, you have to get out of bed. If anything, your kids will get you through this too because they will be the reason that you go through this fight.
6. Get a wig with real hair if possible.  I never got used to my wig.  It was itchy and uncomfortable.  People swore they couldn't tell it wasn't my real hair, but I could tell.  Since I didn't like it, I wore scarves.  Nothing says "I AM GOING THROUGH CANCER TREATMENT" like a scarf.  I met somebody going through treatment who had a wig made out of real hair and it looked amazing.  They're expensive, but if you're worried about losing your hair, I think they're worth it.  God forbid, if I have to do this again, I'll get one of those.
7. Feel free to pull the C card.  You're going to be tired and feel like crap.  If you get invited to something and you don't want to do it, this is probably the one time in your life that you can pull the Cancer card and decline activities that you just don't have the energy to do.
8. I found the end of treatment to be rather anticlimatic.  People got me presents for finishing up chemo (people buy you a lot of presents for all sorts of random things), but I still had to go through radiation.  Radiation is a cakewalk compared to chemo, but it's still part of treatment.  All of a sudden treatment is over and you're expected to get back to regular life.  That was kind of weird.
9. People (still) say insensitive things.  And people tell you very personal things.  Tell the former to f*** off (or just say it in your head).  It depends on the person and how you're feeling on any particular day.  I don't think most people mean to offend, but people will try to relate to you in all sorts of ways.  Here's the thing--everybody's dealing with something.  You know that, I know that.  For every insensitive person, there were people who shared very personal and touching stories about their own personal struggles that had nothing to do with cancer.  That part was very touching.
10. Some people are experts on what causes cancer.  If I read one more FB post about a "scientific" study about how fat, sugar, dairy, or meat causes cancer, I will scream.  I find the people that are self-proclaimed experts on what causes cancer have no idea what they're talking about.  I have come very close to telling these people off, but I have yet to do so (shockingly).  It's probably only a matter of time.  I often find the people with these opinions have never gone through cancer treatment.

That's what comes to mind initially.  If you're reading this and recently diagnosed, I hope it helps.  For those friends who have also gone through this, would you add anything?

New beginnings

As I mentioned in my last post, a few weeks back I did a 5K with some friends.  Actually, now that I look at the calendar it was almost a month ago.  While the day didn't go quite as I had hoped it would, it was still a good day overall.  I was very pleased with my pace (7:42 miles) and the gesture of my friends getting together to celebrate the end of this hellish journey was great.

A few weeks ago I had my post-treatment check-up with my oncologist.  It was the first time I had been back at BI since the end of treatment on October 1.  I was unprepared for the anxiety that visiting the oncology department made me feel.  Obviously I don't have great memories of the place, but my feelings still surprised me.  As much as I like my oncologist and as much time as I'll be spending with her for the rest of my life (or until she retires, which will hopefully happen first), I still wish I had never met her.

We have finally rescheduled our California trip.  We had just booked our trip to California when I got my diagnosis.  It feels like a re-do in many ways.  We head out at the end of April.  I'm very much looking forward to it.  Aaron and I are also going away to Provincetown on MLK Jr. weekend.  No Iceland trip planned yet.  This is mainly my fault because work has been so busy and I haven't really had time to think about it.

As my hair continues to grow back, one of the nice things is I don't necessarily feel like I'm "the woman with cancer" anymore.  I've ran into old friends and met new people who compliment me on my hair without knowing about the last year (at least I'm pretty sure they didn't know) and it's so nice to just accept the compliment and move on.  Sometimes I've said something, but increasingly I don't say anything.  Well, I guess I say "thank you" for the compliment.  Also, people make eye contact with me again.  When I had my scarf, nobody would look at me in the aisles of Trader Joe's or in the hallway outside of work.  It was a very strange feeling to feel invisible but know that people were probably looking at me when I wasn't looking at them.

A lot of people have asked me if I'm going to keep my hair short.  I really have no idea.  I feel like it's in a very awkward phase right now.  I'm back to having to spend time on it in the morning.  It's not a bad problem to have, just something I haven't had to deal with for several months.


We had a good Christmas but words can't express how happy I was for New Years.  I actually started this post a week or two ago but never finished it.  As I read on what I've written in this post I can't help but think how boring my life has become.  Well, as boring as my life gets I suppose.  I love boring!

Ode to my eyebrows: A series of haikus

While my hair is growing back, I noticed a few months ago that while I didn't completely lose my eyebrows, they're definitely thinner than they used to be.  For some reason, the right side is thinner than the left.  I'm not sure if it's better to have both thin equally or unevenly.  Anyway, I am hardly a poet, but I have always loved haikus.  Here are some haikus that I've written for my eyebrows:

Eyebrows I miss you
Your very sparseness haunts me
Grow fast, brows!  Grow fast!

Brow pencils are lame
Drawn on lines looking all fake
Make me look cray-cray

Eyebrows, where art thou?
Why have you forsaken me?
Eyebrows, please come back

Please...hold your applause and accolades.