Wow, four years (and five days since I didn't post this on time). I started the Breastivus tradition last year and I'm continuing it again. As I reflect on what I wrote last year, I don't feel as achy as I did last year, but my brain seems to be declining. If I'm tired (which is most of the time), I have an incredibly difficult time thinking of anything really--names, words, thoughts. They're all out the window. Add being tired and having a few glasses of wine and I really should just sit there and smile at you, not saying anything. Because likely I won't be able to form a coherent sentence and it's not because I'm that drunk.
Aaron and I had a conversation about this post and the anniversary and what motivates me to write this post each year. Yes I'm healthy and I've moved on with my life, as much as one can. And if you read this and think "Geez Rach, it's been four years, get over it", well that's your right. But I will say, this past April 3 I was still on edge about the day. As much as it's a day I don't want to relive, inevitably I end up going back to that day. I couldn't tell you the dates of any of my surgeries or my chemo treatments or when I started radiation, but I will never forget the day I was diagnosed with cancer. I vaguely remember the day radiation finished but I always have to double-check the date. It isn't any different from any of you that have had your own traumas. I write about this day and share it with those of you who want to read it because that's just who I am. Am I a narcissist? I don't think so. Self-absorbed? Maybe.
What ultimately motivated me to write about this year's Breastivus is I had a scare this past Monday. I was at work and saw this lump in my neck. Maybe if it didn't happen to be Breastivus I would have been a little more calm, but probably not. I was terrified. I took a picture and sent it to my onc and she responded right away and made an appointment to have me come down the next morning. It disappeared and reappeared throughout the rest of the day on Monday. When I woke up on Tuesday it was back but smaller and of course by the time I made it to my oncologist, it was gone. She was perplexed but not worried, which is really all I needed. And of course it hasn't come back since. But what it illuminated for me is that the fear of the recurrence doesn't go away. And it also reminded me why I love my oncologist--she's so responsive even though she's dealing with a full panel of patients going through active treatment and she takes my concerns seriously, which I greatly appreciate. Anyway, that was the start of my week.
In the meantime, Breastivus wouldn't be complete without an airing of grievances. I'm pretty sure I've complained in the past about articles people post about things that give you cancer. People I'm connected to have either stopped posting this or hide it from me because I haven't seen any in quite a long time. People do still post idiotic things on social media though. This is one of my recent favorites:
In honor of someone who means a lot to me...I'm going to say goodbye to some of you...... now I'm watching the ones who will have the time to read this post until the end. This is a little test, just to see who reads and who shares without reading! If you have read everything, select "like" so I can put a thank you on your profile! Cancer is very invasive and destructive to your body. After you have finished your treatment, then, your body wants to go to war with yourself trying to reconstruct all the damage caused by radiation. It's a very long process.
Please, in honor of someone who died, or is fighting cancer, or even had cancer, copy and paste.
They all say: "if you need anything, do not hesitate, I'm gonna be there for you"... so I'm going to make a bet that less than 1/2 of my friends put this on your wall. You just have to copy (not share)!!!
I want to know who I can count on,.... Write "done" in the comment when you do.
To all those who are fighting... I am with you always! I hate cancer!!!
Really? I'm not copying and pasting this crap. This does zero zilch nada in the fight against cancer. Do not tell me what the cancer treatment does to the body. You haven't had cancer (I'm assuming that nobody who has had cancer would post this), so while I appreciate you hate cancer and how its affected people you love, you have no freaking idea. If you really hate cancer (and by the way, nobody loves cancer), donate your time or money to a worthy cause. Don't post stupid things on Facebook. And don't be the one to copy and paste either.
On a positive note, I'm still mentoring women going through active treatment and I still love it. I've also connected with one of my former Tufts professors who's gotten me involved in some exciting projects working with some very interesting women, all related to breast cancer. That's all folks!
