Three years ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I wasn't sure I was going to write about this but my friend Noel wrote a post acknowledging her Breastivus so I figured, "what the hell." Breastivus is like Festivus--there are feats of strength and airing of grievances.
So where to begin? Many women post-treatment go on tamoxifen (if their cancer was estrogen positive). Since I had my ovaries removed and I'm now post-menopausal, I'm on an aromatase inhibitor, which blocks the production of estrogen in my body. One of the side effects of this is I feel like I'm about 80 years old at any particular time. It takes a while to wake up the joints. It also strips away your bone density so I've gone from normal bone density to osteopenia. I now pop calcium supplements like they're candy (seriously, it's candy. They're gummies and I'm not 100% positive there's any calcium in them). I already work out five days a week, I can't imagine what the bone density loss would be for somebody that isn't doing weight bearing exercises regularly. It also turns out that I can no longer buy life insurance--I am "uninsureable".
Also, there isn't much comfort in being "cancer free". The cancer can come back at any time. And if it does come back, it's not going to be good. I, like many of my fellow sisters that have also gone through this, manage this as best as I can. But you have scares. A lingering cough, fatigue and back pain are three symptoms in particular I get asked about by my medical and radiation oncologists. I work full-time and have two little kids--I'M ALWAYS TIRED. At my last check-in with my radiation oncologist, I mentioned that I had had ongoing lower back pain. She encouraged me to mention this to my medical oncologist. I'm 99.9% sure this is musculoskeletal, but there's that .1% doubt that lingers and wonders, "what if it isn't"? Especially if Dr. Van Buren wants me to tell Dr. Tung. In addition to the ongoing back pain, I had a cold a month ago that had a lingering cough. One night I had a coughing fit as I was trying to fall asleep. That, combined with my back pain, led to this thought, "Holy crap, this is it. It's back. I was hoping the girls would be older if and when it came back. I thought I'd have more time. Belle and Addie will be those girls--when people are near the girls at a birthday party and a parent doesn't know our story, the parents who do know will say "their mom died of breast cancer" sotto voce. They'll HAVE to setup a GoFundMe page for Aaron and the girls since I'm uninsureable. And I'm thisclose to paying off the rest of my grad school student loans."
Thankfully, one reason I love my oncologist is she has a good balance of acknowledging my concerns and talking me off the ledge. Although she did ask, "is the back pain constant or does it come and go?" What's the answer that's going to have her tell me to come in. "Um, it constantly comes and goes?" The cough has gone away, the back pain hasn't. But she's left the door open if I want to get that scanned to give me peace of mind. Also, I swear that chemo brain fog hasn't gone away. I can't remember anything. It gets worse when I'm tired. I hope I play this off as "endearing absentmindedness".
Don't get me wrong, life is good. I like to think that I don't get worked up about small things anymore but it's also nice to have the luxury of getting worked up about small things if I want to. My girls (my real daughters, not the lumps that are intended to represent my post-cancer boobs) drive me bonkers (it's taking me a really long time to write this because they keep bothering me. Sheesh). I'm seriously considering getting a tattoo on the lumps because I don't know what else to do with them. I don't savor every day--I live in reality (see previous reference to working full time. This article also summarizes my thoughts on this). I worry about the Presidential Election and what's really going to happen if Trump actually wins. I hoped on Friday that his whole campaign was going to be revealed as an April Fool's joke but no luck. I also worry that worrying about the cancer coming back is going to increase my chances of the cancer coming back.
So. There you go. I didn't mean to come off so negative and dark (but it IS Breastivus). Also, I'm not sure this is the most cohesive and well-written post I've ever written. I'm grumpy about the life insurance thing. This is always sort of a day of reflection for me more than anything else. Happy Breastivus!
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