How I've changed in the last few months

Note:  The different font sizes is driving me crazy.  I can't fix it.  Please don't think that I don't take consistent formatting seriously.  Perhaps the most frustrating part is it looks all the same in the draft mode.
 
These off-treatment weeks always sort of lull me into a false sense of normalcy.  I always feel pretty good and if it wasn't for the fact that I had no hair, life is almost normal.  Oh, and we have this awesome service where friends drop off meals.  It's magical.  Although for some reason my insomnia has been pretty bad this week.

As I was reflecting on writing this post, I realized that in many ways I haven’t changed that much, I’ve just become a little more extreme.   Which might worry some of you that know me very well.   How have I changed?  Let me count the ways:

1. I thought I was forgetful before…what was I talking about?  I’ve been pretty out of it since Belle came.  And then I started chemo and it got that much worse.  I feel the impact of this the most at work.  Fortunately I work with awesome people who can keep track of things when I forget.  And because they're my friends, they give me a hard time about this.  And every now and then I’ll remember a random nugget.  Also, I owe so many people thanks for cards, calls, flowers, FB messages, etc.  I think of writing you a quick note, but it's usually not when I'm around a computer.  So please know from the bottom of my heart that I appreciate every card, email, FB message, text message, etc that I get.  The lack of a response is definitely not personal.     
2. I get angry much quicker.  Y’all remember the race director interaction.  Well, there was another interaction at the Oncologist’s office with a scheduling woman.  The details aren’t important but this woman shouldn’t be in customer service.  Oh, and there was the interaction with the medical assistant in my plastic surgeon's office.  She wasn't unhelpful, she just had no idea what was going on.  I was already a little on edge about that visit because of my previous visit with him.  Anyway, if you’re not going to be helpful to me (no matter what your role is), I apologize in advance because I’m going to give you a piece of my mind.  And then I’ll make it my mission to try and get you fired.  Well, maybe not, mainly because once I’ve ripped you a new one I don’t really feel like wasting any energy on you anymore.  But I’ll wish that I could get you fired.  Before I’d at least try and charm you a little bit longer until it was clear you weren’t going to be helpful and then I’d get pissed. 
3.  My bullshit meter is very low.  In line with the previous one, this has more to do with the people who came out initially in support and wanting to help and have been AWOL since.  I know not all of these people were sincere, but a few did seem sincere and they've just disappeared.  I also realize that everybody's dealing with their own lives.  I try very hard to not waste time or thoughts on these people--they're not worth it and there have been so many other people who have totally stepped up, that I try very hard to focus on that.  But you know what? It would be nice to go to a movie, and when you offered to take the kids anytime, which was helpful because my kids knew who you were, I really appreciated that offer.  Unfortunately, you have ignored my emails to do these things and that hurts my feelings.  This really only applies to a few people and again, I wish I didn't spend as much time thinking about it as I do sometimes.  Then sometimes I think, "maybe they're avoiding me because they read this blog and they've come to the conclusion that I'm a narcissist."
4. I have become a lax parent.  I hope my children don’t end up as out-of-control brats as a result of my lax parenting, but my parenting has become more lax.  I pick my battles.  That being said, in many ways I yell more at the girls because I have less patience, but fortunately it doesn’t seem to really phase Belle anymore, who used to be more sensitive.  Maybe I’m just “cranky mommy” in her head.  Addie's pretty laid back, but she has her moments too.  I always feel better when Aaron loses his patience too.  Then I don’t feel like as much of a monster.  What was I talking about?  So when I’m not being a monster, I’m more likely to give in to things.  I think this is more Addie-specific because she’s getting to the age where she doesn’t like the word “no” and she’s way more vocal about her displeasure than Belle was.  Addie was such a happy, easy baby that I knew the moment she started having tantrums I would look at her in puzzlement.  She's not the one that’s supposed to make a fuss--that's Belle's role (Belle, if you're reading this 10 years from now, you were a challenging little girl.  It was great, exhausting and infuriating. I love you!).  I have a feeling she’s going to be more outspoken than Belle.  I can’t imagine where my girls get this from.  Again, I digress.  I could care less at this point when Belle is potty trained and Addie can have her pacifier as long as she wants it.  My point is I’m more likely to give in to things so the girls will stop shrieking.  Please.  Just.  Stop.  Crying.  
5. Real life “problems” don’t phase me anymore.  This one is more work related because that's where I spend a lot of time and it's not pre-schooler or toddler drama.  I'm also going to be a little vague here because I know of some co-workers that read this, but I might not know all.  I'm less phased by the daily drama that happens in the day to day.  I like listening to it still because it's a good distraction, but my goal right now is to get through this whole thing and not get fired.  I do what I need to do and otherwise my head is elsewhere.  You want to do another re-org?  That's fine.  Do I have any questions about this?  Not particularly.  You want to complain about something that is part of your job?  Fine.  I get mad about things that happen, but most of the time it doesn't last.  Plus, despite some qualities that my co-workers dislike, this place is still a million times better than my last place.
6. You thought I was moody before???  Bottom line, I have good days and bad days.  One day was kind of rough as I thought about the looming surgery.  But the next day I felt better. What a difference a day makes.  And tomorrow, who knows?  A lot of the time (especially when I’m at work), I feel like my old self.  I guess my co-workers could speak to this better than me, but work has been such a nice distraction that I can’t forget about everything else and just focus on work when I’m there.  Plus I have funny co-workers who like to make me laugh.  And I like to laugh, so it’s win-win.
7. I’m more thankful.  I am thankful for so many people--Aaron and the girls, my parents, Aaron's family, old friends and new friends that have been so supportive and everybody that's sent me cards or emails or signed up to help.  As difficult as treatment is, I'm also thankful it was caught early.  With any luck, I won't ever have to go through this again, although I have my moments where I worry about it coming back, and I'm not sure that's ever going to go away.