Some updates and a movie warning

It's been almost two months since I've written on this blog.  As a reminder, my book review blog is alive and well.  A few recent events have inspired me to check in and share my thoughts on what's going on.

First, I just realized that I never posted about finally getting a second opinion on my surgery.  As you might remember from past blogs, like this one, this one, and this one, my plastic surgeon and I haven't always connected. I will say, I had my final check-in with him back in June and he was the most engaging he's ever been.  Anyway, I went to MGH to see a plastic surgeon that a friend of a friend recommended.  The surgeon was so nice, but it turned out she didn't do the surgery I was going to have and she strongly recommended....can you guess?  My plastic surgeon.  She did acknowledge that his personality wasn't the best.

At this point I've come to terms with it.  He does good work, I get it.  After next month, my interaction with him will be minimal to nonexistent.  I'm a little anxious about the surgery because it's long--12 hours or so.  And the recovery is painful.  I just need to focus on the tummy tuck and the new boobs.  Work has been great about giving me the time I need, but I have a feeling I'll be back online by the week after surgey.  Unless I'm in so much pain that I can't bear it.  It's totally professional to send out work emails and participate on conference calls while on pain meds, right?

On another note, I saw Guardians of the Galaxy a few weeks ago.  I saw this movie in Maine with Aaron, two of my nieces and my nephew.  The movie's opening scene is a boy listening to music on his walkman.  As the shot pans out, it's clear he's sitting in a chair in a hospital.  I got a little apprehensive at this point.  His grandfather comes by to say that his mom wants to talk to him.  His mom is dying.  Of cancer.  Cue my waterworks as one of my worst fears is presented on the screen (although I wasn't impressed by the makeup job on the mom).  Never mind that since becoming a mom I'm a total sap, please show one of the things I'm most worried about and I become a mess.  And this is a movie about aliens and other creatures.  We were in a dark theater and I didn't want to freak out my nieces and nephew, so the tears were just streaming down my face--I was able to contain my sobs until much later.  This happened at the beginning and end of the movie.  Holy crap, I wish I'd had some warning about that.

With this recent memory floating in my head, I had a bit of a scare this week.  Every time I have some ache or pain my mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario.  While in Maine, I got some stomach bug for the day.  I still don't know what caused it--I ran a 10k that morning and felt fine and got home from that and it went downhill from there.  Nobody else in the house was afflicted. I'd been having pelvic pain on and off for a few weeks and I finally reached out to my oncologist, who told me to reach out to the surgeon that had removed my ovaries.  We talked about my symptoms and she sent me in for a CAT scan.  She suspected it might be appendicitis or kidney stones.  During the CAT scan they kept asking me about having my ovaries removed and why.  It was strange and of course led me to think that they had found something BAD.  Why do they keep asking questions?

I waited the rest of the day for a phone call with the news.  I was trying to prepare myself mentally for the worst.  I never got a call back, so I called the surgeon first thing the next morning.  The staff was really apologetic and I finally got a call--the scan was clean.  Appendix was fine, no kidney stones, I was just a little backed up (sorry for the TMI).  Phew.  The NP did say I might want to let my oncologist know that they found a bony island in the scan and the oncologist might want me to get a bone density test.  The NP stressed repeatedly that this was probably nothing. I looked up bony islands and my stomach dropped again.  Sure they can be nothing, but it can also mean the cancer has metastasized.  I immediately emailed my oncologist and she responded within the minute letting me know she was not worried.  I'd just had a bone density test a few months ago.  Now I feel okay.

Which leads to my ongoing frustration about my post-treatment life: At what point will I stop assuming the worst?  Right now it feels like never.  Thankfully, I feel great most of the time.  But my mind can't help but go to the worst case scenario when I'm not feeling 100%.

One aside: The CAT scan technician was an Irish woman with a really thick accent.  I understood about every third word she said.  I thought she said she'd had breast cancer when she was 21 (I guessed her to be maybe a few years older than me now).  She'd had a mastectomy on the breast with cancer, but never had the other breast removed.  She had never been tested for the BRCA gene but there's a strong family history of both breast and ovarian cancer.  She told me I was really brave for having my ovaries removed.  Honestly, I was a little insulted.  I'm not brave--I'm doing what I need to do to put my mind at rest and not have to live in fear for the rest of my life.  I'm going to live in fear anyway.  I don't really find that brave.