Tuesday, September 30, 2014

It's okay to say these things to somebody that has cancer

This article came out a few months ago.  I didn't comment it at the time but it's always sort of been in the back of my mind.  I had some people say some strange things to me during my treatment.  I'm usually pretty candid, but in this case I'm going to maintain their anonymity.  Fortunately these people are in the minority.  As I've stated many times before, most people were awesome.  If anything, I was more hurt by the people that didn't say anything at all than the occasional person that said something thoughtless.

It's because of the people that didn't say anything at all that I found this article a little problematic. I'd say I agree with less than half of these. People want to help, they want to say the right thing.  Sometimes they don't know what to say or do.  These articles don't help.  Let's take this article with a grain of salt: no offense to Yahoo! but it's Yahoo!, it's not the New York Times.  Here's my response, item by item:


  1. You are strong and will get through this.  When people used to tell me this, I felt lonely because I knew this was my fight and while I had a lot of support, it was ultimately something I had to go through alone.  Again, people don't know what to say.  As I've stated in a previous post, some of us "fight" cancer successfully, some of us don't.  This isn't a reflection on how strong we are.  
  2. How are you feeling? Again, I'm not sure why this is something you shouldn't say.  If somebody asked me this, sometimes I'd be honest and say I felt like crap.  I assumed people asked because they genuinely care.  Is it something that people asked me a lot?  Yes.  Was it sometimes a reminder that I felt like crap?  Yes.  Would I want people to not ask?  No, I'd rather they ask.
  3. Can I do anything to help?  This post is becoming a review of past posts.  In this post I discussed things people could do to help.  Yes it's vague but at least people are asking.  As the patient, it's within your power to offer something concrete or say no.  If they're not sincere in their offer, you'll find out soon enough.
  4. How serious is the cancer?  Is this an insensitive question?  I guess it could be perceived that way.  I have a theory that people want to know that you're going to be okay, especially if you're in a similar demographic to them (e.g., "young" (for cancer at least), little kids, etc).  If anything I'd think that people would talk about this behind your back, not ask you straight out. According to this article, you're also not supposed to ask what the treatment plan is.  I was never bothered about people asking me what my treatment plan is.  I ask current patients what their treatment plan is.  As frequent readers of this blog know, I put just about everything out there, so maybe I am unique in this.  
  5. My grandmother/mom/sister/friend had cancer...Everybody knows somebody that's had cancer.  Fortunately most people told me stories (or connected me to) about people that were alive and well.
  6. I read an article in the newspaper that said you should...This is probably the one I feel the strongest about.  I now get really, really riled up when people post (mostly unscientific) articles that say that fat, eating meat, dairy, etc. causes cancer.  These are often uncited articles with no scientific basis.  If you can't cite a study to accommodate this claim, please don't share this. If you share it on FB, block me. For every scientific study you show me that says that sitting on your head causes cancer, I can show you a study that says it doesn't.  So stop this.  Researchers don't know what causes cancer in a lot of cases--that's probably one reason why they haven't figured out how to stop it.
  7. Your hair looks good like that.  This one did (and still does) drive me crazy a little bit.  And no, I'm not keeping it this short.  I'm going to keep growing it.  And no it wasn't as curly before.  But again, people are making conversation and trying to give you a compliment (assume it's a compliment).
  8. God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  I'm not sure if he does or doesn't.  A lot of people prayed for me.  This was really really nice of them, but I preferred to focus on science than prayer.  No offense. 
  9. I know how you feel.  I did have somebody that kept comparing her knee surgery to my treatment.  That was a little odd.  She was also most vocal about item #7 too.
  10. You must have done something to get it.  Fortunately nobody said this to me, although I knew people that experienced this.  This isn't cool.

Read the article for yourself.  If you've committed any of these, don't be so hard on yourself (unless it was items 6 or 10).  I think it's better to say something than say nothing at all.

1 comment:

  1. It is amazing the extent to which people mean well, but can't do something helpful, when you are under duress. Not under there circumstances, but different ones, I would translate to "you mean well" or "you mean well but don't know what to say". And then you appreciate the few people who say or do something very helpful.

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