Three treatments down, one more to go. Seventy-five percent through the Taxol, 87.5% through all chemo treatments. On October 1, I'll have my last chemo treatment(!). Some people have said, "we need to celebrate!" And we do! But it's not over...yet. I still have radiation. I know, I know, it's not as sexy as chemo. But after radiation, it will be over. Sort of. I still have some more preventive surgeries ahead of me plus 10+ years of estrogen blockers. So will it every really be over?
As I've alluded to in my past few posts, the biggest side effect of the Taxol is the depression and moodiness. Ahh...I can feel it settling in now. Each Taxol treatment's hit me a little differently. As I've mentioned multiple times before, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I've gotten these past few months. There have also been those who have been AWOL. I try really hard to focus on the positive and all of the people that have been so great, but I continue to brood and feel angry about the people that said they'd be there for me but haven't.
As I start to (sort of) feel like the end of this is around the corner, I think about how my relationships with people are going to change once everything is "back to normal". Should I confront the people that I'm angry at? Would it accomplish anything? What do I do about people that are in contact with Aaron but not with me? How do I have a relationship with these people when they weren't around at my lowest points? Especially when they still have a relationship with Aaron? And why do people reach out to Aaron (or my parents), but not to me? I might be a lot less angry with these people if they reached out to me and asked me how I was doing. Because it drives me crazy when Aaron says, "I need to give Person C a call." You do? Why? "Oh because she emailed us last week." Um, I didn't get that email. Or my mom says, "Person D, E and F have been asking about you." Oh they have? Well that's odd, because I haven't heard from them and I know they have my contact information. These are a lot of questions that I don't have answers to.
I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and she brought up this topic with me after she'd read it on my blog. And she said, "some people just can't handle these situations." And I get that. I do. I guess my point is--what do these people expect from me once (if?) they reappear in my life once I'm done with treatment? Do they think I'll welcome them back with open arms?
With me, what you see is what you get. If I don't like you, I have a very hard time pretending that I do. I don't know how I'm going to get past my anger at people that I can't push out of my life. I realize I'm getting a little ahead of myself right now, but I'm more mad at myself for wasting so much energy being angry at these people. They're not worth it. So why can't I move on?
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