Welcome to my pity party

I had my second round of Taxol this week.  They gave me fewer anti-allergy drugs which made the day of chemo more tolerable.  The thing that's been the hardest about this chemo is I feel more depressed.  I would get pretty down during the last chemo because I felt so lousy and I wondered if I could actually get through it.  This time I don't feel as physically bad, but I wonder if I'm actually more depressed because I'm so tired and have low energy.  I usually work at home the two days after chemo and that makes me feel alienated, which makes me feel even more depressed.  And throughout it all I just feel lonely and isolated.  It becomes a bit of a vicious circle. I try to get out and meet up with people, but there are only so many walks you can go on. 

When I'm thinking about what to write, I can be all over the place.  So here are some random musings I've had as of late:

1. If there are so many women with cancer out there, how come I never seem to see any of them in Natick or the surrounding towns?  Every time I spy a woman wearing a baseball hat I think, "maybe she's like me!"  But she isn't.  I saw a woman at Trader Joe's a few months back that had really short hair and she had little girls too and I was tempted to ask her if she just had short hair or if it was growing back, but it's kind of an odd question to ask somebody.  She seemed nice though.
2. My hair is slowly starting to grow back.  It is a dull, lifeless, mousy brown.  I hate it.  I know this is temporary, but I still dislike it.  I am considering dyeing it.
3. A lot of people ask how Aaron and the girls are doing.  Addie seems pretty clueless as to what's going on.  Belle has good days and bad days.  Most of her bad days seem to happen during my chemo weeks.  Even when I'm not going through treatment, she has sad and angry moments.  She has admitted that she is mean to me sometimes because she's mad about my boo-boo.  I think being able to acknowledge this is pretty insightful for a 3.5 year old.  She doesn't like what my boo-boo has done to me--it makes me grumpy, impatient, and tired.  This breaks my heart but I'm hoping that she'll actually remember very little of this experience. I suppose it will all become fodder for her future therapy sessions.
4. Throughout this whole thing I worry about what a bad mom I've become.  I'm short with the girls and have no patience.  Belle's already a daddy's girl and Addie seems to have leanings that way too.  In my depressed state, this makes me feel even lousier.  And become I feel like I've become a monster, I worry about pushing my girls even more away.  
5. If I haven't said it already, Aaron is the best caregiver I could ask for.  He has borne the brunt of my anxiety, tears, mood swings, etc., these past few months like a champ.  Let me tell you--I'm not an easy patient (shocker, I know).  And if the tables were turned, I doubt I could be as patient of a caregiver. The other day as I was tearfully thanking him for being so great, I said sometimes I feel like he's had more to deal with this whole time than me.  I can't imagine how helpless he must feel that there's nothing he can do to change my situation.  And to deal with the aforementioned stuff.  But then he pointed out, that I still probably have it worse because after all, I am the one with cancer.  Ha!  Good point.
6. I continue to be fascinated by people's reaction to my disease.  I've had people tell me they can't read my blog because it upsets them.  Or they tell me they don't read it at all with no specific reason, and they're sorry they haven't been in touch, but they're thinking of me.  There are also the people that ask incredulously how I'm working through this (usually with their head cocked and a concerned or skeptical look on their face).  And of course, there are those that tell me how "upbeat" I am.  Here are my responses to these:
1. Okay.  You know this isn't about you, right?
2. Seriously?  Don't bother.
3. We still have bills to pay and it's a good distraction.
4. While this year is hands down on the top 3 worst years of my life (12 and 13 were pretty bad years too), you do realize I'm not going to die, right? Unless my oncologist has told you something differently?  So while this sucks right now, it will pass eventually (or so I'm told).
7. I've also had people tell me incredibly personal moments about their own cancer scares or other health issues.  Those have meant a lot that people feel comfortable enough with me to share me those things.  

Sorry for the pity party posting.